Lori's Blog

Silent Metamorphosis

2011-05-23T15:29:00.001-04:00

Silent Metamorphosis

By Lori Atkinson

When did I change my point of view,

And become who I am today?

Will I recognize myself?

When this me goes away?

I try to remember when I changed;

And left the cocoon behind.

The day I learned to fly this way;

Is vague and undefined.

The new Me now is stronger;

More tough and self-assured.

My wings stretch out so freely;

My sight no longer blurred.

My colors like a rainbow

I display upon my wings!

They flutter proudly as I fly

Toward bigger, better things.

Life Goes On :(

2010-05-11T18:01:00.002-04:00

These past few months have been stressful, difficult and sad. During the first part of April, John, my boyfriend of almost nine years told me he needed a break and was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship. I have still not figured out why this time was needed. I was devastated by this turn of events and really did not understand what I had done wrong. John had bought a new motorcycle a day before this move out and I was not thrilled by his decision, but other than that, I thought things were going well.

It turns out that he moved in with his friend Krager, who has been his best friend since they were in kindergarten. I am really glad that this happened because three weeks after John moved in with him, Krager died in a motorcycle accident. I feel glad that John at least had these weeks to spend alone with Krager.

Krager dying suddenly was devastating to John! He was riding behind Krager when it happened. His daughter, Nicole, had just arrived at Krager’s house. Needless to say, this was one of the worst couple of weeks we have ever experienced. John moved back in and I hope I was able to comfort him. I really don’t think there is any way that I can take that kind of pain away for him. I really wish I could.

RIP Krager

We went to Vermont for the funeral. It was so sad. I have no idea how to process this. Why would Krager, a father of three great kids, be taken away at such a young age (43)? Why not a child molester? Or a rapist? Or a murderer? Or a mean, hateful person who ruins people’s lives? Why a great guy who was kind and good to everyone? WHY? I am not sure there is ever a good answer for this. No fair and just god would take someone away who was good and kind and loving,

The good news is that Angie (and her husband Mark) just graduated from University of Central Florida! Angie earned at B.S. in nursing and Mark earned at B.S. in computer science. This was a happy and fun time for us! We went down to Orlando for Angie’s pinning ceremony. I felt so proud to see my daughter finish four difficult years of college and become a nurse. :)

Congratulations Angie and Mark!

Kaylee is almost done with her AA Degree at SJRCC and will be moving to Orlando to attend UCF for her B.A. Degree. I am going to miss her so much. I am happy for her to start a new life, but I don’t feel ready for her to go. She is my little Buggy.

I am hoping that John and I can work things out between us. I love him very much. My kids love him very much and we have been a family for a long time. He has always been my soul mate. Neither one of us has been perfect, but I know we really love each other.

I am still looking for a job, (No idea how I can even handle one emotionally right now) summer is almost here and I am in peri-menopause. My hormones are a wacked out freaking mess.

So, that is what I have been up to. Maybe it is understandable why I have not been writing too many blog entries.

Angie Got Married!

2010-03-10T12:35:00.002-05:00

Well, my oldest, Angie, is married and starting her new life. The wedding last Saturday was spectacular and so fun! I was not expecting it to be quite so amazing. A few days before the wedding I was nagging Angie for waiting until the last minute to put her music together (it turned out great) and getting her flower arrangement set with my sister, Becky (That turned out great as well). So, the conclusion I came to is this: Procrastination works for some people and I need to lay off my kids when they wait until the last minute. Not everyone is anxiety-filled and stressed out about getting things done ten years before the due date. (Like me)

Angie and Mark surprised everyone at the wedding with their sweet dancing skills! Their first dance was amazing and was very entertaining. Click here to see the video. Angie smiled the whole wedding and looked so happy that it made me happy to see her happy.

They say something always goes wrong at weddings, and this one was not an exception. But really, in the big picture of things, the things that went wrong were minor. As far as I know here is what went wrong:

1) Kaylee’s (Maid of Honor, Angie's sister) shoe broke (the strap snapped off) the morning of the wedding. (John’s mom saved the day and sent some kind of special glue and sewing materials and John fixed the shoe before the wedding; it held up the whole time, even through the dancing)

2) After a ½ hour drive to the church with Angie and Kaylee and Noah in the car, Kaylee announced, as we drove up in the driveway of the church, that she had left her dress at Angie’s apartment. (Mark drove all the way back to the apartment and got the dress for her, thanks Mark!)

3) The people who brought Mark’s clothes to the wedding for him forgot a shirt (?) and someone had to go buy a shirt about 30 minutes before the wedding started. (No idea who got the shirt and saved Mark on this one)

As far as I know, everything else went smoothly and turned out great. (well, except for the fact that someone I know- I won’t mention her freaking name- complained and whined to the caterers that they were too slow making her coffee. So, the caterers came up to me and apologized and told me they could not make the coffee any faster. Well, I don’t appreciate that person complaining and making the caterers feel badly) The wedding was beautiful, Angie and Mark were happy, and the guests seemed to have a lot of fun. That matters!

I felt a lot of emotions leading up to the wedding: anxiety, fear, stress, happiness, and yes, some sadness. I did gain a son-in-law, so that is a good thing, but I also felt sad that my Angie is all grown up and married now. The time flew by and I have no idea how! For the father/daughter dance Angie played the song “Meet in the Middle” by Diamond Rio. As she danced with her dad I could still see her little face as a two year old singing this song with her dad, looking up at him with so much love, while he played the guitar. She always had the cutest little innocent face and pretty curly hair. Where did the time go from that moment? I often wish I had spent more time living in the moment with my kids, rather than waiting for them to get to the next (ie..easier) stage of their lives. Now I know how fast they go from toddler to bride.

For family and friends who were unable to attend the wedding, I have posted videos on youtube of the highlights (that I was able to catch). Click here to go to my Youtube Channel. There are 12 videos to watch on there.

Congratulations Angie and Mark! I love you!

A Movie Worth Talking About

2010-02-22T17:03:00.000-05:00

Last night Kaylee and I rented the movie, "Hard Candy" from Netflix because Ellen Page was in it. John went in the room to watch his movie, "Law Abiding Citizen" (Which I refused to watch with him because I was not in the mood for violence and stress) and Kaylee and I settled in to watch what we thought was a chick flick.

Wow, were we ever in for a shock of a movie!!(And probably more violence than John’s movie) Have you ever seen the movie, "Misery" with Kathy Bates? Ya, the one where she kidnaps an author she admires hold him hostage and beats the crap out of him etc…? Well, this one was CRAZIER than that one!

I am not going to give the movie away, because I think if you like movies that are off the beaten path and make you think and question who the “bad guy” is you might want to check this movie out! Kaylee and I found ourselves confused and on a rollercoaster, biting our nails the whole movie!

The movie was filmed in 18 days and really only has 2 main actors, Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson, both of whom do a SUPERB job of acting. Ellen Page will blow your mind with her convincing performance of Haley Stark a 14-year-old who meets a 35 year old man from the internet.

I don’t usually go on and on about movies, most of them are just kind okay, but seriously, I will never forget this movie!

Struggle, Struggle, Struggle...

2010-02-03T13:54:00.000-05:00

My daughter tells me that a lot of my blogs come off as angry rants and that I seem to be an angry person sometimes. I had to think to myself: Is she right? Am I that angry? Do I really look like a raving maniac? Then I decided that if I did, I did and oh well. I think I am going through a stage right now that I think is close to mid-life crisis, but I am choosing to call it a mid-life awakening. So, if anger is part of this transformation, then so be it! Accepting myself as I am is what I am aiming to do anyway.

For those who follow my blog for info on my thyroid journey, here is a brief update:

I had my blood retested AGAIN and this time my thyroid was producing almost NO hormone. *sigh in frustration* I had been taking 3 thyroid pills (through a compounding pharmacy) and since my blood pressure was through the roof and my heart was pounding out of my chest, I decided to cut it down to 1 pill (no thanks to my Dr. who, as I previously stated did not call in a change in dose to the pharmacy). Well, apparently 1 is not enough! So, I went back to the doctor (who, as usual, would only give me my results to my face, somehow I think this is a conspiracy to get more money, but maybe that is just me??) and she told me to go to 2 pills. Okay. So, I asked her if she could presscribe Nature-Throid since I heard it was off back-order and may be in my pharmacy. So, she said she would. Three days later I called to get my meds and (don't be too shocked here) the pharmacy did not have Nature-Throid and even if they did, I would have to have the doctore re-order my prescription because SHE DID NOT ADJUST THE DOSE FOR THE NEW MEDS AND GAVE HIM THE SAME DOSE FOR HIS COMPOUNDED BRAND! (There, the anger is flooding in, I am aware, I am aware!) Now, I would like to know what the doctor is for if I have to do all my own research, all my own dose testing, and TELL her what I need. I should be going to med school to become a thyroid expert for freaks sake! Good grief! So now, I am going to do some research on which pharmacy may have the Nature-throid so I can get that ordered by my doctor. That is where I stand on it now. The GOOD thyroid news is that http://www.dearthyroid.com/ published a copy of my rant letter to them. Here is the link: http://dearthyroid.org/my-hate-for-you-continues-thyroid-of-mine/ I was pretty excited about it!

Other Stuff Going On:

The rest of my life has not been very eventful. I am still looking for a job. No luck there. I feel lost and bored and worried about my future. I also have felt pretty depressed because my almost 19-year-old daughter, Kaylee, is probably going to move out in the fall to go to college. I am really happy for her and would not have it any other way! I think Orlando will be GREAT for her! But, I can see the end of my time with her around the house all the time nearing and I am sad to see my little Bug go. I have become very close with her and she is my buddy. Also, Angie, my oldest is about to graduate from nursing school and is getting married on March 6th. Again, I am happy for her, but I am going to miss her so much. On top of all of that, Noah decided he wanted to go back to school, so right after x-mas I enrolled him back into school. ( I was homeschooling him) He is really happy, made friends immediately and is doing great. His teacher calls him "Cute and charming" and a few girls have crushes on him. But I miss him a lot and I can see him growing up and getting older and not really needing me very much. I feel lost about all of this and I am trying to make sense of it all and pull myself together and at least get through the wedding with the least amount of tears possible. :(

Friends:

And one more thing... I miss my friends, Courtney, Esther and Kara a lot. They all moved out of this stupid area ( I don't blame them a bit) and I miss them terribly. Even though I was just getting to know Kara, I still felt a huge loss when she moved to Washington. I don't have any friends around here (except my family, and I love them!) and I need some friends. I am going crazy! I am going to Art Walk tonight with Kaylee, so maybe it will help to get the hell out of this depressing house! (Pic above is me (Right) and my buddy,Courtney on my 45th birthday)

So, yes, I am angry sometimes, yes I am struggling with a lot of things,and yes, I am sad and miss my friends. But I feel like maybe a caterpillar/butterfly may feel pain as they transform? lol Just a thought!

(p.s. I can't find spell check on this new version, so I will probably have some errors. Spell check saves my life)

Thyroid, I hate you!

2010-01-05T12:01:00.005-05:00

So, I have been feeling a bit down about my weight and really tired and tired of being tired and wishing my stupid thyroid was normal and working well.

Here is the only update I have on my thyroid journey lately:

Got the bill from the new doctor: $290.00. For what? I don't know. I saw her for a total of 8 minutes, if that. She called in the wrong dosage for my thyroid meds, she did not even look at my labs when she made the call, I guess. My bill for the ultrasound was $300.00- at least one expects to pay that for an ultrasound, but not almost $300 for a normal doctor visit!

I went last week to get my blood drawn again to try to regulate my meds. If I could call in my own meds, I could bypass the idiot doctors who do not take my doseage seriously. Will I finally get the right dose and feel better? Dare I hope?

I sent a letter to "Dear Thyroid" yesterday. I have to admit, it made me feel much better. I had a real "break-down" kind of day in Orlando, just under so much stress. Moving up a bra size is not good when it is not the cup size that changes, but rather the width of your chest. Damn that sucks. I have never been this big, and I feel like a loser!

Just in case any of my family members are reading this who happen to be obsessed with weight, I want you to know that I eat way more healthy foods than you do, so shut up with your jerk comments about why people are overweight. Sometimes people have a slow metabolism because their thyroid is not functioning, so if you really care, do some research and shut up! I did not eat ANY of the deserts at x-mas- you did! If starving myself worked, I would be thinner than you are!

I am putting a picture of me from New Years Eve. I felt better getting dressed up, but felt so bloated and tired, you can see it in my face. It turns out I did not get to go out. Kind of disappointing, but I got to spend the evening watching a funny movie with Kaylee and John, so it worked out okay.

I miss my friends and I really need to make some changes this year. I think I keep falling into a pit of depression and scrambling all the time to get out of it. Or is it a mid-life crisis?

Whatever is wrong, I am blaming my thryoid, so if you think I am just making excuses, bite me!

So You Call Yourself a Christian? Re: Stop Hating on Gay People

2009-12-10T18:19:00.005-05:00

This blog is not about my thyroid. I will get to that one next week. ;-)

Yes, another angry rant from me. Get over it. I am angry sometimes.

I am so tired of ignorant people, who label themselves proudly as "Christians," who are the most judgemental, critical people I know.

Here is my problem. If your "god" loves everyone, knows everything and is so kind and loving, then why the hell do you think that "he/she" would think it is okay to be so hateful and intolerant of gay/lesbian/bisexual people? Why do you think that your god would agree with you deciding that gay people have no rights to marry? What ever happened to your "what would jesus do" crap? Huh? Get over your pious, holier-than-thou attitude and try to see things for how they are. Some people are gay. End of story. You can't change that! You do not have a right to tell someone that they are or are not gay. You do not have the right to decide what someone else does in their bedroom. You do not have a right to push your heterosexual views about what marriage should be on people who are in love with someone of the same sex. Everyone has a right to be happy!

Do you really think that a group of people who are so obviously oppressed would wake up one morning and "decide" to be gay? Do you really think that someone would choose to be abused physically and mentally all of their lives because it would be a fun thing to do? Would someone really choose to be disowned by their parents because they happen to be attracted to people of the same sex? NO THEY WOULD NOT! Use your logic and brains here people, if you have any!

(You also do not have the right to assume that everyone thinks the same way that you do as far as religion. Get over yourself. We are not all christians! You will NEVER change that!)

People who claim to be a "christian" should be so extremely loving and accepting of other humans who share the world with them. They would not see gay people as someone to persecute and reject. A true christ follower would welcome gay teens/men and women to support them and show them love that other ignorant people in the world refuse to show them. They would welcome gays/lesbians and bisexuals as fellow humans.

Religion (Especially christianity) has done more harm to people than most people could imagine. Consider this quote from Jerry Falwell (grrr don't get me started on that ignorant shit-head):
"Good Christians, like slaves and soldiers ask no questions" Jerry Falwell No stupid A-hole Falwell (may you not RIP) smart people ask questions! Smart people question things that seem wrong and illogical. Smart people see that everyone in this world has a RIGHT to be true to who they are. We really need to start telling these wacko people who claim to be christian to stop the crap! I am tired of hearing it. I don't care what you think.

I actually had an argument with someone on Facebook recently because he was complaining that Netflix had too many "queer" love stories and that gay people should just watch "our"movies and stop trying to make movies for themselves. Okay, this is wrong on so many levels. First of all, NO ONE was forcing this dude to watch gay movies. He stumbled on the titles on Netflix. Move on if you don't want to watch it! I tried to make the point to him that he was being intolerant and that gay people had a right to watch love stories with a gay story line in them. Why should they be forced to have everything be about heterosexuals? Well, I got so tired of his illogical ignorance that I deleted him as a friend. Who needs "friends" like that anyway?

I have no idea how people can think that they have a right to even comment on what someone else does in their life as long as two consenting adults want to live and be happy! So to those "christians" who are standing on their little soap boxes and condemning gay marriage I say: Stay in your heterosexual marriage- no one is trying to stop you from that- and keep your nose out of other people's bedrooms, sex-life, and desire to be married. Keep your nose in your bible. I am sure you will stumble across some verse that tells you to stop judging others.

p.s. If you are a christian or religious person who is accepting of gay/lesbian/bisexual people please know that this is not directed at you. :) Although it does not look like it in this blog, I really do believe that you have every right to have whatever belief you want to have. You are missing the point if you try to make this about your religion.
Also: I have purposely left some "proper nouns" without a capital letter, get over it.

My Dr. is not my god part II

2009-11-30T05:57:00.004-05:00

I have been feeling bad, physically and emotionally for quite a while now. I know there is something wrong with my body. My lab results confirmed that for me. I am tired, depressed, weak, overweight, always exhausted. (before you try to give me lecture on my diet, I eat a completely vegan diet- all my food comes from plants, and I don't eat much at all, I also do power yoga-but it makes me more tired). Enough whining about that....

Anyway, I thought after my first visit that things went well with my new doctor. She listened to me, looked at my lab work, felt my neck (something any doctor should do when someone comes in with thyroid problems) and listened to my heart. I was grateful for all of that because isn't that what we pay the big bucks for anyway? I told her specifically that I had driven the long hour and 15 minute drive to get help from her. She even agreed to send my meds to a compounding pharmacy so that I could have them delivered to my door instead of driving to get them. She also ordered an ultrasound of my thyroid because she said it felt lumpy. She also looked at my lab results and told me that my heart was pounding out of my chest and my blood pressure was sky high because I was on too high a dose of thyroid meds. She said they had to be lowered.

Days go by...So, after quite a few "reminder" phone calls from me, I finally get the Dr. to call the pharmacy with my order. When I arrived to pick it up, I had problems, as usual, trying to convince the pharmacist that my insurance would pay for the meds. After almost begging they ran it though and yes, they were paid for. As I got in the car with the kids, it was raining and I started driving down the road. I asked the kids to look at the thyroid meds and tell me what the dosage was (I know, I know, I should have looked at it there, but it was the day before Thanksgiving and I wanted to get home. I had to drive an hour for the first visit to this pharmacy, from now on they send it in the mail). I immediately became mad! The doctor had called in the SAME amount I had been taking when I was having trouble with the pounding heart, high blood pressure and lab results screaming I needed a change! WTF?? What is wrong with doctors today? If I was a total idiot and trusted my doctor with my life and just blindly did what I was told, I could suffer a heart-attack, a stoke, or any number of things! Lucky for her and her staff and unlucky for me, it was Thanksgiving break and they don't have to worry about anything.

Of course I will not take the dose she suggested, I am having to play guessing games until I can call her and ask her why she did that? What a waste of my money and time! That was the ONLY reason I drove all the way over to her. I am pretty educated on this stuff and read a lot about thyroid (fortunately, or these doctors would put me into hyperthyroid and kill me) but I am not a doctor and I would like some help and concern to get my thyroid levels back to normal so I can feel better. If I wanted to know every intricate detail about t3 t4 TSH and how to get my levels back, I should have gone to med school. I feel like I am doing that anyway. Oh, and one more thing, this Dr. looked at my T3 results and said I should not take anything with T3 in it, only T4. Guess what my meds say on the bottom of the label... yep, T3 and T4. Lovely!

During the break I also went to have an ultrasound of my thyroid. I am sure I will have to make another appointment to get my results for that too. What a scam of a health system we have these days! The woman who gave me the ultrasound was rude, did not talk to me at all, turned the screen so I could not see my own thyroid, acted like I was an inconvenience, and then told me the doctor would give me the results. Grrrrr ie... refer back to god, the one who can't get your thyroid levels right. Maybe I should have gone to med school.

So, unless you ask, this is my last blog about my thyroid troubles because I am sure to most people it is boring and I want to stick to subjects that I like, like feminism, politics, women's issues, and fun stuff about my kids. :)

Thanks for reading!

My Doctor is NOT my God- My Thyroid Journey

2009-11-08T11:33:00.008-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like doctors very much. I had my 3 children with a midwife in the comfort of my own home. That worked out well for them and me. :-)

However, I do have to go to them once in a while since I have a thyroid problem; Hypothyroidism to be exact. This means that my body does not produce enough thyroid hormone, which, obviously I need. So, in order to get meds, I have to see my doctor once a year and get medication to keep the thyroid hormone in my body. This also involves having a blood test, again, if you know me, not my favorite thing to do. So, two weeks ago I went to the evil doctor Bernard in Orange Park to get my meds (My natural armor thyroid meds are on back order- something strange going on with that too) and to have my blood drawn. I also got a shot of B12, which I guess I should take since I am a vegetarian and don't get that from my food.

Here is where I get angry. During my visit I tried to tell Dr. Bernard about how I had been feeling lately: Tired, depressed, out of breath, pounding heart, HIGH pulse rate, HIGH blood pressure and just NO energy. As a thyroid patient, he should have checked my heart, felt my neck to see how my thyroid felt and talked about my blood pressure. However, after ASKING him to listen to my heart, he told me that I was fine and just needed to get on HIS meds from HIS pharmacy. Okay, fine, that is why I was there. I also told him about something I had read in my research about thyroid, etc... and do you know what he said before I could finish?? These are his exact words, "I don't care what you read." No, I am not kidding. So, I got mad, and when I get mad, I get quiet. (I was trying to think of something to say to him- Noah was with me and later asked why he kept cutting me off and not letting me talk). When I asked him what was in his thyroid meds, he said, "Thyroid, we make it ourselves" Okay. That was so detailed- thanks!

I left the office after they took 3 hours of my day, charged me an arm and a leg and did not listen to a word I said. Basically I felt raped. So, I decided I was going to find a new doctor, even if I had to drive to Miami to do it. I called Dr. B's office to ask them for a copy of my labs. Do you know what they said?????

Them: "Has Dr. Bernard discussed your labs with you yet?

Me: "No"

Them: "Well, then you can't have them!"

Me: "Why not?

Them: "Because he has to go over them with you."

Me: "Can he call me on the phone to do this?

Them: "No, you have to come in for a visit"

Me: Well, I am not coming in for a visit to get some pieces of paper, I want my results!" (Not a very nice tone, I will admit it, I was a bitch)

Them: "I will have someone call you back"

Okay, so I waited all day. No call. The next morning a woman called me and said I could pick up my labs. So, I drove there ASAP. I walked in the lobby. I asked the bitch at the front desk for my labs. Here is the conversation:

Me: "I need my labs, my name is Lori Atkinson, A woman called me this morning and told me I could have them"

Bitch: "Have you seen Dr. Bernard about them"

Me: "No"

Bitch: "Then you can't have them!"

Me: (you get the picture, red face, raised voice) "YES, I can! They are MINE!!!"

Bitch: "Let me look into it"

Other bitch: "I don't see that they have even come in yet"

Me: "Yes they have. A lab lady told me I could pick them up at this desk!" (Fake patience)

Other bitch: "I will look again" (skeptical)

Other bitch looks and finds them and hands them to me. She lies to bitch number 1 and tells her that I had already talked to the god, I mean doctor about them.

Wow! Is that really what I have to go through to get MY LABS? They used MY BLOOD (and almost made me pass out) Left a bruise on MY ARM, charged MY INSURANCE company some $$ and took some $$ FROM ME. That means that they are MY GOD DAMNED LAB RESULTS!!

I am not sure what has happened to doctors and the health care profession in general if they think that they can act like that to a patient. This is one small story I have about this office. I could bore you with pages and pages of stories from me, John, my parents and others about this man who thinks that he is god.

Health care professionals should listen to patients and should care about their health, and not just the money they are getting for them being there, getting blood drawn, and getting medication.

You want to know the most annoying thing about all of this?? My labs showed that my TSH (Thyroid stimulating hormone) was VERY LOW. Dr. B was never going to call me to tell me this.

This tells me that he does not care about my health. I pay him to at least ACT like he cares.

I have an appointment with a new doctor in Palm Coast on November 18th. I hope this woman will listen to me, listen to my heart, feel my thyroid and give me the help I need. I am not expecting miracles, just some care from a doctor who has vowed to do no harm.....

Positive Energy- Positive Life

2009-09-22T11:23:00.004-04:00

I have been reading a lot lately (Thanks to one of my new friends) and trying to evaluate why I seem to attract a lot of negative things into my life. Mean women, stress in my relationship, kids acting crazy, etc... and I have come to the conclusion that I need to focus on the positive every day. I am going to cut out people from my life who bring negativity and gossip and stress into my life. I am done. I am going to begin bringing positive thoughts and energy into my life.

A very wise friend of mine once said, "We are meant to have the friends that we have in our lives, some teach us, some are there to show us something about ourselves and then leave and some are there for a life time of friendship and lessons." I think that is so true. The more I feel myself changing, the more I realize that I am grateful for the good friends that have come into my life. I am also glad that I have been a friend to those who have needed me for something in theirs.

I am going to begin to teach my children to think positively and try to focus on the positive.

Thanks to my friends for the lessons I am learning in life and in this moment.

No! I am NOT "Saved!"

2009-08-31T11:29:00.005-04:00

Warning: Angry Rant!

I had a discussion with a close family member the other day about people who claim to be "saved." Okay, this word alone works on my last nerve, because if I wanted to be "saved" from something, I would like to be saved FROM religion and everything that goes with it.

So really, what does being saved mean? (don't respond to this blog if you are a baptist, fundamental of any kind, or claim to be a christian -capital letters left out on purpose- I don't really care what you think) Does it mean you are now in a special elite group of people who now have the right to stand on their pedestals and claim that god has smiled on them for their good deeds? Does it mean that when someone says on their Facebook page that they are bored, that you have the right (responsibility) to tell them that they should be reading their bible and finding ways to please god? Does it mean that you have turned from your "sinful" lifestyle and become a bible thumper? Or perhaps you think it means that you have found the one true religion and that everyone else (ie... Hindu, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, etc...) is wrong and going to hell?

Well, here is what I think. Most people who claim to be "saved" are the most annoying, critical, judgemental, opinionated, rude, hypocritical, self-righteous people I have ever met. If I actually believed in god, I think that she (lol) would be looking down with extreme disappointment on most religious people today.

So there! I said it! I am not even going to apologize for the many friends and family members that I offended. I am tired of not speaking my mind. Get over it. If you love me, you love me no matter what.

So if I die, please don't talk about whether I was "saved" or not at my funeral. I will be fine and happy wherever I am. I really am not so sure I want to spend any time if heaven, if that is where all the bible thumpers are claiming to end up. I would rather go someplace far away from them!! (And just for the record; don't take up space on the earth burying my body. I want to be cremated)

Why am I so closed off lately?

2009-08-29T19:06:00.003-04:00

I am having a hard time writing in my blog lately. It has been some time! Why is this? I feel like I have A LOT to say, but most of it can't be said in a public blog.

I think I will take a friend's suggestion and write a private journal as well. That way I will not feel like I have to censor everything. I wish I could just put it all out there for all to see, but I am just not like that.

I often wonder why I have a difficult time feeling close with people. It takes forever for me to fit into a group and it is a very painful process for me to get to know most women. But, I need to be close to women, or I will go crazy. If I was the only woman in a world of men, I would kill myself. I am grateful for the friends that I do have.

I just started homeschooling Noah this week and it was a good week. He is taking Florida Virtual School classes and is doing very well. I think online classes are a good choice for him. He is also taking an art and a P.E. class at the Equestrian Center near Cecil Field. I think this will be good for him to make friends and "socialize" since homeschoolers are so unsocialized (sarcastic laugh).

I think I am a much too private person for a blog. I need to let go of this critic who is always sitting on my shoulder. I want to smack her! (my critic, that is) ;-)

More later when I am feeling a bit more open.

Picture: Me and my true friend Esther. I am so grateful to have her as a friend.

Summer Thoughts Are Hot

2009-07-28T12:34:00.003-04:00

So, you may be wondering what the title of this blog means, but I am not going to tell you! :-)

What have I been doing lately...? Well last night I got to go out and meet a friend at the hooka lounge. That was the best night I have had in a while. Girl friends are excellent.

Before that I was laid up in bed for 3 days with an incredibly painful neck. No idea how I did that. I am just glad it has lessened to a dull ache, rather than a knife stabbbing pain. It made me feel old to be in so much pain.

We have family coming into town this weekend. Pretty much all of my 4 siblings, their spouses and their children will be here at one time or another. I am very excited about this because I love my brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews soooo much! I do want my house to look somewhat good, so I will be painting and cleaning for the next few days. As long as my neck does not start torturing me again.

I wish sometimes that I could write in this blog all of the thoughts that I have buzzing around in my head. I feel so closed off sometimes. I guess I need a real journal- I am just too lazy to write things out since I can type so much faster.

I don't want summer to end. At all. I am really enjoying my time and space. My head is almost where it should be after the trauma.

I hope all of my friends know that I love them.

Random Thoughts

2009-07-16T15:25:00.004-04:00

1) I hate painting, but I love to see a painted room all finished.

2) I hate working full time but the money is nice.

3) I hate looking for a job. Really hate it!

4) I love staying home and homeschooling Noah... Love it a lot!

5) Why can't I?

6) EVERYTHING IS BROKEN: my car, my bank account (lol) the ice maker, the washing maching, the roof, the dishwasher, the pool (well, it is just green from lack of chlorine) the electricity in the sunroom (mystery??) the central air (that has been gone for a while now) Kaylee's brakes on her car..... I bet if I thought about it I could come up with about 10 more things.

I have been kind of stressed out lately since we had -11 dollars in the bank until payday. I know I need to get a job, but living out in the boonies means I will probably have to drive an hour there and an hour back if I work in most places around here. I would be lucky if I got a job in OP, but that would still mean 1/2 hour to work and 1/2 hour back. Plus, I need to figure out how I can teach Noah and work and be a partner, maid, psychologist, friend, lover, mom, gardener, etc... I don't think I was designed to be a working mom. Does this make me anti-feminist? I wonder? Plus- read above I HATE WORKING!

I am in a very reflective stage of my life and I realize that I have some things that I feel strongly about (see the how many times I said "hate" above). It is hard to get past the way I was raised. My mom stayed home with us and that was her job. Why can't I be the kind of person who gets satisfaction out of a job? WHY?

Enough of my ranting for today. The pic is of my freshly painted living room. We have several more rooms and trim to go.

Gardens and stuff

2009-06-19T16:19:00.003-04:00

So, today I got a small "harvest" from my garden: Green peppers (3) 1 small tomato (most of them are dead from the flood earlier this month) oregeno, parsley, cilantro, rosemary, basil, 3 hot peppers, 1 deformed cucumber and a bunch of blackberries (that grow randomly around the yard and some in the garden). See my pics from the garden? The okra is really doing well! (see pic on the left, super-sized okra!) I have grown this garden all organically, so that is sweet. I know many people who use a lot of fertilizers are getting better results, but I am happy that I have kept it all natural.

I am leaving on Monday for a trip with the kids to visit North Carolina, Calabash to be exact, and we are going to hang out, relax and have some fun. :-) It is only 5 miles from the beach. It is located just above Myrtle Beach South Carolina, just one mile into North Carolina. My aunt tells me it is cheaper to buy the groceries in SC since there is not tax on it there. Interesting.

I spent most of the day today gardening (wayyyy tooo freaking hot out there, 97 right now to be exact) and then taking my dried herbs, grinding them up and putting them in containers for cooking later. It was quite fun actually. (Never thought I would say that) I just brought Noah to meet his dad's gf so he can spend the weekend with him for Father's Day. Any ideas on what to buy for my dad? Or John? Jeez guys are hard to buy for!

Now I am hanging out, kind of bored and thinking I should do some laundry. Fun!

I realized that I have so many cool and wonderful friends and I just don't call them sometimes (like Karen, Joyce and jenn and Anna and Dianna and... jeez I am such a bad friend) and I really wish I was better at that. I hope my friends know how much I love them. I am just such a closed person sometimes and I don't always open myself up and get my ass out and hang out with people. Why do I do this?

Just so you all know, I love you!

I need a break!

2009-06-05T20:14:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the stress of life gets to be too much. I am not complaining too much; I don't have to teach at the hell-hole called Fleming Island High, but I still do have some stress to deal with. Relationships are stressful, being a mom is stressful and lots of other things get to me. Thank god I eliminated the FIHS stress or I would be in the mental hospital right now- for sure!

I wonder if I just have an anxiety disorder, or if others have this much of a problem with stress. I worry about my kids a lot. I worry about their choices. I worry about their futures. I worry about their relationships they are in. I worry that they will be affected by my bad choices. I worry that I screwed them up somehow. I worry that they will marry jerks. I worry that they will not say no when the should. On and on and on. I could make this blog so long, but I will spare my friends who choose to read it.

I worry that I am a shitty partner. I worry that I just do not do the right things to make him happy. To infinity and beyond with that one too.

I did not send my sister a birthday card on time. I worry about that. sigh...

I need a break! I sent an email to my Aunt and asked her if I could come up and stay in her house near the beach in North Carolina and she said.... YES! I am so looking forward to that! Wooo hoooo. I am bringing Kaylee and Noah. I am already looking up good vegan restaurants in the area so we can go out to eat. I also want to find a good health food store so I can buy my organic produce. They cannot be as bad as Middleburg about not having healthy options, can they? Well, at least I have something to look forward to. I am bringing lots of yoga tapes and I am going to do some serious relaxation. There will be no computer, so if you write me and I don't answer, that is why. I will probably worry about that too. sigh.....

Congratulations To My Buggy!

2009-05-26T12:31:00.003-04:00

Well, the day is almost here that Kaylee is graduating from high school. It seems like yesterday she was collecting bugs, pitching fits in the grocery store and winning every one's hearts with her spunky, cool self. Well, she is still winning over hearts at an alarming rate, but thank god the fits in the store have stopped (for the most part). Today we stopped by her school to pick up her yearbook and get her tickets for the graduation. I realized when I saw so many people smile at her and stop to chat that I have raised an amazing young woman. Kaylee was in dual enrollment full-time, so she did not spend a lot of time on the actual HS campus. She was lucky enough to only have to attend school two days a week at the community college while earning her high school and college credits at the same time. Not a bad deal!

She is a great student, an excellent friend, a wonderful granddaughter, a super great niece, a very awesome daughter, a nice big sister (usually) and an all- around wonderful young woman who deserves the best in life.

Buggy, Congratulations! I am more proud of you than you know!

Love, Mom!!

Angie is Home!

2009-05-13T20:57:00.002-04:00

It always makes me happy when my oldest daughter comes to visit us. Having her away at college is sad for me. I love that she is getting a great education and I think it is awesome that she is going to be a nurse; she is an excellent student! But I sure miss my baby! When she first left for college I thought I would be fine, but I went into a deep depression for quite a while. Life is sad sometimes.

Angie always arrives with a sweet smile. We all celebrate and get excited like we have a celebrity in the house. I like having a friend who eats like me (she is vegetarian) because she appreciates my food and does not tell me that I need to buy meat! How nice! I made some stir fried veggies with tofu and rice and gave it to her when she got here and she LOVED it! Cool!

She wrote me a beautiful poem for Mother's Day. When my kids do something like that they watch me very closely so that they can see if I cry or not. Kaylee asked, "Did mom cry when she read this?" I don't know why I hate to cry so much, but I do.

I feel so lucky to have Angie, Kaylee and Noah in my life as my children. I always worry that I am messing up somehow and I try too hard sometimes to be the best mom ever. Too bad I am human and I suck at it sometimes. At least they know I love them!

My Mom

2009-05-09T20:40:00.003-04:00

My early memories of:

Lemon candy
Small, shiny ceramic dogs
Being woken up to your excited voice, “Come to the window, quick! It snowed!”
Lavender
Yardley of London soaps
Playing “The snow will get you!”
Natural curls flying in the breeze; first black, then grey.
Tears shed for a tree

Wet kisses
Most devoted dog lover
Making a move across the country an adventure!
Tears shed for so many animals
Hugs for my tears
Helping me skip school to get my warts removed
Hiding from visitation and watching My Fair Lady.
Trips to Dunkin Donuts, after the little ones were in school
Beautiful English gardens- so many colorful flowers!
Hugs and comfort while crying about my broken marriage.
A smile through the screen door
Feeling like a “special” first-born
Knowing that you have always loved me- no matter what!
My Mom!

This blog is dedicated to you, my mom. You have always been in my life. You put your kids and grandkids first in your life (sometimes to your own detriment). Now it is time for your to put yourself and dad first. I want you to know that I will always love you my Mum. I will always think of you when I smell lavender and I will never forget the life that you gave me.

Happy Mom's Day!

I love you mom, more than er'e you know :-) You know what I mean!

Simple Things

2009-04-30T19:44:00.002-04:00

When I started homeschooling Noah, I thought it was going to be a temporary thing until next year. I have enjoyed teaching him and being with him so much that I would like to be able to teach him next year too.

We went to the Alligator Farm today (not my ideal place to go). It was fun hanging out with some new friends we met a couple of weeks ago. After the AF Noah and I decided to stop at a park near the AF and the lighthouse in St. Augustine to eat our lunch. I packed the following: Peanut Butter and Agave nectar sandwhich, apples, carrots, strawberries, and green tea. Surprisingly, Noah ate everything and seemed to enjoy the food. (shocking) Then we decided to take a walk. It was a beautiful day; about 83 and breezy. The walk took us along the water near a boat launch, dock and small beach. We strolled along the beach and enjoyed the beauty of the place. Then we both picked up smooth shells and began to try to skip them on the water. We had a contest, Noah skipped one 4 times and I skipped one 3. He won. :-) We both mentioned that we enjoyed eachother's company. It was relaxing and fun. The more I hang out with Noah, the more I appreciate being able to stay home with him. As we walked back to the car, Noah wrapped one arm around my waist. I felt so close to him and so happy to be his mom. It was one of those moments that will stick in my memory and will never leave. One day Noah may not want to hang out with me and wrap his arm around me. But for now I am enjoying life and appreciating the simple things that I never noticed when I was buried in stress. I am thankful for this time with my son.

Garage Sales Rock!

2009-04-18T15:09:00.003-04:00

Noah and I just hit about 10 garage sales and it was what we call a "good garage sale day." This means that most people had clearly posted signs, prices on their stuff and good stuff to sell. We did hit some crap ones, and went on what we call a "wild goose chase,"(sign up, but no sale to be found after a mile or more of driving) but overall- not too bad. Noah got a cool cassette player for listening to books on tape (he is obsessed with Harry Potter books, sometimes our dumb library does not have them on CD), I got a brand new frame for "'Baby's first year" pictures for Kaylee's pregnant friend, and- the coolest of all- I got a 12 tomato plants for the garden! We already have some planted out there, but I am afraid we may have planted them too late, but we are going to have a lot of tomatoes- as long as I don't murder them with neglect. They all cost me 2 bucks- so that is sweet! We came home with our treasures and made fruit smoothies. Now I need to go plant my new baby tomatoes. :-)

Fun Stuff!

My Second Blog (okay, I will get more creative with the next title)

2009-04-15T11:48:00.000-04:00

After two days straight of rain, we have a beautiful, cool, sunny day here in Middleburg. It is a great day to have all the windows open and soak up the cool, dry air before summer gets here and turns us into hibernating creatures; hiding from the heat and humidity.

Although I did not sleep well, I am happy to have such a nice cool breeze on my face as I write this. I showed Kaylee my blog this morning and the only comment she had to say was, "Blogging is for old people." I was surprised by that comment. Really? I thought I was getting with the program and acting all young and hip by making a blog. I was a bit hurt that she didn't even want to look at it up close. Whatever. 18-year-olds are wrapped up in their own lives. "Old Lady" mom really does not get it.

I was wondering when I woke up this morning. Is a blog supposed to have a purpose? Should it have a title and a subject that a writer dares not stray from? Or can it be more like a journal, an account of one's daily life, no matter how mundane?

I have tucked my writer self so far inside me, that I may need a few days just to get warmed up and access my muse (if I have one). The stress of life and teaching teens was far too much for me. It really did age me at least 10 years in the 1.5 years I was teaching. Now I feel the part of me emerging that I was trying to grasp on to as I slowly lost myself in a satisfaction-less job (that is a word, right).

Kaylee and Noah are in the living room doing one of my old workout tapes that I bought when I wanted to lose weight. Back when I thought I was fat- like 10 pounds ago or so. At least Noah is getting some use for all that energy. He should be doing English, but we will get to that later. He woke up and started reading his Harry Potter book, what more can a mom ask for? Voluntary reading? Amazing. I guess that is what happens when you turn the cable off to save money. :-)

Well, off to get Noah busy and maybe mow the lawn for a workout. Starting day 4 of my super healthy eating. In June, I will hit my 2-year mark for being a vegetarian. Not bad.

Lori

My first blog (creative, I know)

2009-04-14T20:50:00.001-04:00

This is my very first blog. I admit I feel intimidated. I admit, 3 years ago I did not know what a blog was. But now that I have read the blogs of past students and friends, I realize that I can do it!

I have spent my day doing the following: 1. Woke up and cleaned the house, (A few years ago I would have felt sorry for myself that I was cleaning the house and not out in the big, wide world, but now I feel so happy that I can clean the house- long story, but if you were in my 6th period class, you know why I am happy now) 2. Started day 3 of my attempt to eat healthy foods since I have high blood pressure and I really hate that, so I am trying to bring it down. I have done well, I have not eaten any sugar or white flour- big accomplishment for me! 3. I got Noah's homeschool lessons ready for the day. We learned about the 4 layers of the ocean and watched a movie on Netflix about the ocean and how season affect it. 4. Drove with Noah to the Grassroots Market for some organic food and other stuff so I can eat and not starve to death (This house only contains high carb food, lots of sugar, lots of junk, lots of empty calorie stuff). 5) The last thing I am going to do today is eat some RiceDream and head to bed.
Well, hopefully I did okay with my first blog.

Bye!